COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up