[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
#SaturdayBears
Harsh but fair
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business