cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that