it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You Might Also Like
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]