[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Happy Friday
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Mission: Impossible
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice