*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand