*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.