Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”