Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall