I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.