someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.