Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
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Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave