@web_supergirl: coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn't work here because people that are on fire can't work.
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@Vodkantots: I really hope my family doesn't give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.
@Rlpihl: First guy to invent a bread bowl was like "I'm gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it"
@joeldanger: Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.