@web_supergirl: coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn't work here because people that are on fire can't work.
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@jazmasta: [running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
@psybermonkey: Son: Daddy are we poor? Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
@KalvinMacleod: ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you’re not going to share ME: I am not going to share
@mountainlex: I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank