@web_supergirl: coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn't work here because people that are on fire can't work.
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@DainWins: [Driving w/date in car] Date [turns radio to country] Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn't working. [Hits eject button]
@dave_cactus: ME: *drinking Canada Dry* CANADIANS: Hello 911? There's a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
@JasonLastname: Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.