*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
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Thursday Thought.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
scared to check what name she chose
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.