@web_supergirl: coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn't work here because people that are on fire can't work.
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@sarcasticmommy4: I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
@michael_raphone: BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
@senderblock23: Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
@FattMernandez: I haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.