Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.