Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.