Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold