Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
それは草
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂