Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Give a baker flours on your first date.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.