coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
This checks out
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit