All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Awesome parenting 😂
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”