Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.