Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Can. I. Help. You.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…