Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
road rage
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Trumpy Cat
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.