Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
December birthdays be like…
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK