*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
liiiiiiiiike
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that