Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.