For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Florida man
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”