*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything