Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
You Might Also Like
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls