Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
when there are deer in the woods
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
This is always good for a laugh.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
How many vultures circling you is good luck?