Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.