I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.