Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what