COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Chicago sounds lovely.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
🙂🙃🥹
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.