coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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A game married people play.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.