Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
You Might Also Like
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Waffles make excellent pill organizers