SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
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The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely