A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
You Might Also Like
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.