I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.