I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.