Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
More like Kate Missington.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
This is me 🤣🤣
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’