coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
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Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings