Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Reporter: *ports again*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
That’s amazing.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
79.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom