as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist