My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.