Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time