Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard