Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
secret recipe
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone