My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
What
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?