reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
True statement👍😏😁
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.