Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.